i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
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