1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
