I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
