how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
