Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Life is so much better after having sex.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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