He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
