I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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