I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
We need to rekindle our bromance
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
