Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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