If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
