it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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