my vag is so smooth its legendary
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
