Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Randomize
