the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
