why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I should be sponsored by Trojan
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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