News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Randomize
