Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
