I swear god or herbie drove my car home
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Come on in and take your pants off
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