I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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