i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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