addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
