I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
