the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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