guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize