I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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