Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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