Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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