How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
