Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
