Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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