Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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