apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
