oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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