I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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