oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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