Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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