You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
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