Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
