My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
