he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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