I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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