Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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