I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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