I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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