i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
