TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
