i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
