I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
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