First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize