so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
