i permit you to call me
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize