Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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