He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
