Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
