I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
