is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
