Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Randomize
