I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
