is your mom at the bar?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
