She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
