She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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