I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Pants are for mortals
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
